


The One With the Internal Struggle

by Littlemarkimoo



Category: Friends (TV)
Genre: Choey - Freeform, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Internal Conflict, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, chanoey - Freeform, slight internal homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-16
Updated: 2020-01-16
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:34:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22274905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Littlemarkimoo/pseuds/Littlemarkimoo
Summary: The feeling of his lips on mine; the feeling of his surprisingly soft hands caressing my slightly pink cheeks. The way, as cheesy as it sounds, time seemed to come to a stop. It seemed to last forever, but at the same time, it was over almost way too quickly. I had been tempted to nearly chase his lips with my own, waiting to taste him again.
Relationships: Chandler Bing/Joey Tribbiani, Choey, chanoey
Comments: 6
Kudos: 186





	The One With the Internal Struggle

**Author's Note:**

> **Hey guys! It has been so long since I last posted my last story/update. And, recently, I wrote another short story. It's not as long as what I usually write but I figured I'd still post it. So, I hope you enjoy :)  
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated <3 **

**Chandler's POV**

It all started with a kiss. A stupid kiss that wasn’t even meant to happen. And yet, here I was still thinking about it days later.

The feeling of his lips on mine; the feeling of his surprisingly soft hands caressing my slightly pink cheeks. The way, as cheesy as it sounds, time seemed to come to a stop. It seemed to last forever, but at the same time, it was over almost way too quickly. I had been tempted to nearly chase his lips with my own, waiting to _taste_ him again.

But… I couldn’t be gay. There was no way I could be like my “dad”. The thought alone scared me. My dad had left his family, had left me, to go off and live his life the way he wanted to.

I didn’t want to follow in his footsteps. I couldn’t-

“Chandler?” Rachel’s soft voice broke through my anxiety filled thoughts, causing me to turn on the Central Perk couch to look at her. “Are you okay, sweetie? You’ve been stirring your coffee for the past ten minutes,” she commented, a concerned look on her face.

My eyes wandered from her face to the others, who were looking at me with the same concerned looks. “M-me? Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine,” I replied, my eyes falling back down to my, now slightly cold, coffee. I shrugged it off, trying to assure the others. I took a small sip, nose scrunching up when I tasted just how cold my coffee was.

I set the coffee cup down letting out a soft sigh as I stood. “I gotta go anyways. See you guys later,” I mumbled out, not wanting for any replies as I headed out of the coffee shop.

Left with my own thoughts again. Was that really such a good idea?

*****

It was days later, days full of anxiety and panic attacks for me, and questioning, well… everything, when I walked into Monica and Rachel’s apartment to quiet chatter. It died down completely when I walked into the room, causing me to freeze. The other five were all there, as if waiting for me. “Did I interrupt something?” I asked, an eyebrow raised slightly. The group shared a look, and it only made the pit in my stomach grow bigger.

Finally, it was Ross who spoke up and broke the silence. “Why don’t you come sit down, man?” he asked, offering a weak smile as he gestured to an empty spot on the couch.

Now it was starting to feel more like an intervention.

“I’m fine right here,” I said, still stood by the door just in case I needed a quick get away. “What’s going on? What is all of this about?” My patience was wearing thin. The group knew I hated it when I was talked about like this- behind my back. These five were supposed to be my best friends. I thought they’d understand.

And then I heard Joey’s voice.

“We’re worried about you,” The Italian replied honestly, causing me to swallow thickly. Had I really been that obvious? “You keep saying you’re fine, but you’re not. Especially since I walked in on you being… weird the other day. Curled up on the ground, crying, and-“

“Please just stop talking,” I growled out softly, completely cutting him off. I knew I’d have to explain myself now especially with seeing the looks on the others’ faces. They were even more concerned now. “It’s not what it sounds like. It was… it was just a small panic attack.,” I shrugged it off, a weak smile on my lips. “Nothing to worry about. Let’s just move on,” I added, before beginning to worry my bottom lip between my teeth.

“A panic attack? Oh my god, Chandler…” It was Phoebe this time, and the worry in her voice made me sigh softly, pinching the bridge of my nose. “I knew your aura was off,” she whispered out.

“I’m done talking about this,” I stated, barely able to walk on my shaky legs. I managed to get myself through the door though, as quickly as possible, which is easier said than done. I could not let them know what I was struggling with. I couldn’t tell them I was struggling with my sexuality. They wouldn’t look at me the same way, and the thought of loosing them, the thought of loosing the greatest friends I had ever had, scared me.

I barely made it into mine and Joey’s apartment, fighting back the tears blurring my vision as I felt my throat close p a bit. I couldn’t even make it into my room before crumbling. At least I made it to the couch this time, curling in on myself as I bit back a sob. I squeezed my eyes shut tight, feeling the tears finally sliding down my cheeks.

I hadn’t even heard the door open, nor had I heard the soft footsteps that were approaching me. I jumped when I felt a light hand on my shoulder, eyes opening up to see Joey in front of me, eyes full of concern still. And possibly pity. I couldn’t tell. “Wh-what do you want, Joe?” I asked weakly, bringing my hands up to wipe my cheeks lightly.

Joey didn’t say anything, sitting next to me on the couch to pull me into a comforting, supportive hug. My breath hitched in my throat, and I decided not to say anything as I hid my face against his shoulder. No witty comments. No rude remarks.

I needed this.

Joey held me close as I let it out, one of my hands clutching lightly at Joey’s wrinkled shirt. I felt his hand rubbing up and down my back in a comforting way, causing me to relax a little bit for the first time in days.

My head rested against his shoulder, eyelids growing heavy. I felt cried out at this point, completely exhausted in every sense of the word. I didn’t even bother trying to fight off the sleep that took over me, drifting off rather peacefully.

*****

It was a few hours later when I woke up from my nap a soft noise slipping out. I nuzzled my nose against the warmth my head was resting on, though I stopped, a blush on my cheeks, when I felt a soft laugh from under me.

I opened my eyes, moving my hand slightly to rest it on the toned stomach. “Uh…” was the only thing I could think to say, my eyes wide. I sat up, rubbing at the back of my neck with a shy smile. I finally met Joey’s eyes, feeling a bit embarrassed still. “I… I’m sorry,” I finally said.

“Feel better?” Joey asked, his hand still resting on my lower back which suddenly made me realize how close the two of us still were. “You slept for quite a while. You must’ve needed it,” he added, in a gentle tone. There wasn’t a single judgemental tone in his voice. And I was so thankful for it.

“I… yeah. I do. Thank you,” I said, head ducked down with the blush still on my cheeks. I pulled away a bit more, sitting cross legged beside Joey. His hand had moved off my back, though he didn’t move it off me completely. He kept it on my arm, as if he wanted me to feel his support still.

“So are you gonna talk to me now?” Joey asked, in an oddly unJoey way. It caught me off guard. Not that Joey wasn’t a good friend, but he just didn’t often enjoy talking about feelings. “Just us two, man,” he added on, most likely hoping it would help.

My hesitation was apparently obvious as Joey decided to speak up again. “If you want to,” he said, offering that soft smile that I’d come to love. It made my heart flutter in my chest.

“It’s really not a big de-“ I began to say, my words dying off as Joey interrupted me yet again. The unimpressed look on his face made me lean back a bit away from him.

“Enough with this bullshit, Chandler,” Joey said, not even allowing me to finish my words. We both knew it was a lie. I hardly ever had panic attacks, and I never used to zone out this much. “Please. Tell me what’s going on, talk to me.”

“You want to know what’s wrong?” I asked. “You really want to know?” I continued, watching Joey nod his head. “You! My problem, what’s wrong with me, is you!” I finally snapped, not missing the hurt look that crossed over his face. It made my stomach twist in a way I had never felt before.

Oh my god.

Did I love Joey?

“Tell me how you really feel,” Joey said, a sad chuckle slipping out. The hurt look on his face only seemed to make me feel worse the more I looked at it.

“Joey-“ I stuck my hand out, grabbing his wrist lightly when he started to get up. “Please just let me explain. I didn’t mean it in the way you probably thin I do,” I tried to explain myself weakly, watching Joey closely.

He glanced at my hand, before looking back up at me and sitting down. “Fine,” he mumbled out rather reluctantly.

I wasn’t exactly expecting him to let me, causing a silence to fall over the two of us as I tried to gather my thoughts. “Right, yeah…” I paused, clearing my throat awkwardly. “It… well, it started when you, you know…” I trailed off, hoping he knew what I meant. By the confused look I was met with, I realized he had no clue what I was getting at. “New Years. When you kissed me, Joey,” I finally whispered out, my eyes dropping down to my lap.

“Oh. _Oh_ ….” Joey said after a few minutes of silence. At least it seemed like minutes. Or rather, it seemed like hours to me. “I’m sorry if I, you know, offended you or something like that…” he murmured out, unable to meet my eyes. It made my heart sink slightly. Was he uncomfortable?

“You didn’t offend me, Joey. It wasn’t like that.” I assured him in a soft tone, shaking my head a bit. “It… well, it kinda brought up thoughts that I didn’t want to face,” I finally admitted in a quiet tone. Now I was the one that couldn’t meet his eyes. I didn’t want to see that knowing look on Joey’s face. What made it even worse was the familiar burning feeling in my eyes again, as tears threatened to fall.

“Oh…” There it was. I could tell just by Joey’s voice, that he knew what I was talking about. I looked up, almost regretting it instantly when our eyes met.

Except...

Except there was this sparkle in Joey’s eyes. One I only usually see when he’s got a date with a girl, or, well, when he eats a really good sandwich.

“Jo-“ My words were cut off by Joey speaking up instead, asking more about the thoughts I was having.

“Do you want to talk about these thoughts at all or, have you sort of come to a conclusion?” He asked, eyebrows raised with interest. That wasn’t the reaction I had been expecting. “Are you… are you gay?”

There it was.

“I still honestly don’t know.” I replied, my words raw and honest. “What I do know is that I… I love you, Joey.” I admitted softly a weak smile on my lips. “I know that probably freaks you out. I’m sorry that I-“ My words were cut off again, but this time, by a pair of lips pressed to mine.

I was tense at first, my eyes wide as Joey kissed me. For the second time in just over a month.

Soon enough however, when I felt his hand pressed to my cheek, I gave in and slowly kissed him back. My heart was still racing, but my eyes had shut as I relaxed fully into the kiss. My own hand reached up to lightly clutch at Joey’s shirt again.

This was definitely one of the greatest kisses I have ever experienced. As cliché as it was, I felt fireworks, I felt the sparks that everyone always talked about in romance movies.

The kiss had come to an end eventually, both of us needing to pull away for some air. His hand was still on my cheek, my hand still curled in his shirt. My eyes fluttered open again, connecting with Joey’s own as the other male broke the silence.

_“How you doin’?”_

**Author's Note:**

> **My first ever Friends fanfiction! I hope you all enjoyed it, and I will see you all soon (hopefully).**  
> ** Buh-bye for now!**


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